Lovingly written by Slider

Annotations by Dougal

In the beginning there was darkness.

Within the darkness lived a tribe of heathens, and they were afraid of the dark.

These heathens were followers of the cat. They lifted the cat on high and bowed down to it, chanting “Worship the cat god!” They worshipped the cat, but it gave them no comfort. They were still afraid of the dark.

The truth was first manifested to the heathens in the form of the Archangel Peter Gabriel. The Archangel filled their world with glorious music. The heathens said, “This music is cool,” but they did not understand the message. They were still afraid of the dark.

The Archangel Peter Gabriel took pity on the heathens and sent Martin Mull to convey the truth by way of a parable. Martin Mull stood amidst them in the darkness and said, “Some people think dark beer is only for thick-necked Germans named Gunter.” The heathens heard this and said, “Beer?” Then Martin Mull said to them, “Don’t be afraid of the dark.” The heathens heard the truth and understood. They were no longer afraid of the dark. As the clouds of fear were removed from their minds, so were the clouds of darkness removed from their eyes, and they could see. From that day forth, the tribe went forth chanting the name “Gunter” by which they are known.

The tribe of Gunters made quick use of their new sense of sight, discovering all the things that were good and just in the world. But soon questions began to arise among the tribe. “What,” they asked, “is the meaning of the Parable of Mull?” Out of the chaos arose three wise men, who conferred on the meaning of the parable. As one they spoke: “Brothers, this parable is not meant to be taken literally. It refers not only to beer, but to all strong drink.” The tribe of Gunters cheered this new wisdom and celebrated with rum and vodka and other strong drink. The three wise men were proclaimed Gunter High Priests. They were Dougal, who is not Ernest, J, whose parents could not afford a name, and Mike, who is also called Slider.

Then the three Gunter High Priests called out to Peter Gabriel and Martin Mull, saying, “Grant us wisdom with which to lead our tribe!” So Peter Gabriel and Martin Mull appeared to the High Priests, together with a third being. Peter Gabriel said, “We have brought to you the third member of the Gunter Trinity,” and Martin Mull said, “He will guide you in the Tenets of Gunter.” Together they proclaimed, “You shall call him Joe Isuzu.”

“Sit on this couch,” Joe Isuzu directed, “and I shall reveal to you the secret of the television.” Then Joe Isuzu called forth Andre, the richest of the Gunters in those early days. Taking Andre’s money pouch, Joe Isuzu proclaimed, “All must contribute to the shrine of Gunter, from the richest to the poorest.” With that, he transformed Andre’s money into an entertainment center, complete with television, VCR, and stereo system. “Take heed, and I shall reveal the Tenets of Gunter to you now.”

This is “Remote Control,” said Joe Isuzu, calling forth the image of a game show on the television. “This program will guide you in your own use of the remote control, so that you may be known far and wide as kings among couch potatoes. Remote Control is the Fifth Tenet of Gunter. Just as the other four tenets shall take precedence over the Fifth Tenet, so shall the Fifth Tenet take precedence over all other aspects of your lives.” Having said this, Joe Isuzu reached into the television screen, removed a remote control, and presented it to the Gunter High Priests.

“Let us press a button on this fine remote control, and see what happens,” said the High Priests. Together they pressed, and instantly the game show was replaced with images of far-off worlds, fabulous technologies, and attractive women in spandex uniforms. “You have discovered the Fourth Tenet of Gunter,” proclaimed Joe Isuzu. “Star Trek will provide you many hours of entertainment during you lives as Gunters. Admittedly, it’s not very good this first season, but I prophesize that it will become much better before it becomes bad again.”

“I’m hungry,” said the High Priest Dougal. “Aha!” exclaimed Joe Isuzu. “You have unwittingly stumbled upon the Third Tenet of Gunter. Food will gird your girths and make you true couch potatoes. I will leave you to develop your own doctrines to fulfill this tenet, but may I suggest that you try raw chocolate chip cookie dough?”

“I’m thirsty,” said the High Priest Mike, who is also called Slider. “And again!” cried Joe Isuzu. “You have found the Second Tenet of Gunter. Beer will set your minds, bladders, and stomach contents free.” “The Parable!” Dougal said. “We understand that this refers to all strong drink.” “Yes,” said Joe Isuzu, “and what else does your knowledge tell you?” J spoke, “That FDA regulations require ingredients to be listed in order of proportion, so that a Rum & Coke must have more than 50% rum.” “Almost there,” said Joe Isuzu. “Only one piece is missing from the puzzle of the Second Tenet.” “Of course!” Mike cried. “We should mix our Rum & Cokes with Dr Pepper instead of Coke.” “Right on,” said Joe Isuzu.

“I’m horny,” said the High Priest J, as Dougal and Mike scooted to the far ends of the couch. “Sex,” said Joe Isuzu, “the First Tenet of Gunter. Sorry, guys. I can’t help you much in this department. But being Gunters, I prophesize you’ll get lots of sex despite being drunk fat Trekker couch potatoes.” “Prophesies are good,” remarked the High Priests.

“Recite to me now, the Five Tenets of Gunter,” said Joe Isuzu. “Sex! Beer! Food! Star Trek! Remote Control!” shouted the Gunter High Priests. “My work is done here,” said Joe Isuzu. “I will leave you now, never to return again.” With that, Joe Isuzu disappeared, leaving the Gunters with their couch, entertainment center, and remote control.

In those days the Gunters numbered five. Besides the High Priests, Dougal, J, and Mike, who is also called Slider, there were Andre and Glen. They followed the teachings of the Gunter Trinity and the Five Tenets of Gunter. The Archangel Peter Gabriel returned bearing gifts, including compact discs. “This is a song for people whose minds are as healthy as their bodies,” he said. “It’s called ‘I Go Swimming’. You shall play it loudly so that it can be heard outside the Church of Gunter while you obey its command to go swimming.” And presenting another disc he said, “This is the music of Billy Joel. It shall inspire you to great friendship and camaraderie.” From that day forth, the Gunters would gather in a circle at the height of the celebrations to sing ‘Goodnight Saigon’ as one.

With the darkness banished, the Gunters were able to spy an opposing tribe in a neighboring county. The tribe members were called Hosers, for they were not privy to the ways of Gunter and often wimped out of parties. So, the Gunters began to plan a campaign to destroy the Hosers, but the High Priests spoke out, saying, “This is not the Gunter way. We should subvert, rather than destroy them.” “How can we do this?” asked Mike, who is also called Slider. “By spiking their vodka,” said J. “Cool,” said Dougal. So the vodka was spiked, and the Hoser Chris asked for more. “A miracle!” declared Dougal. “If the Hoser Chris can be converted, then the power of Gunter is truly great indeed.” And Mike cried, “Truly these are Hosers no longer, and yet neither are they Gunters. We shall call them Gusers.” After a time, these first converts became full Gunters, and they were known by the names Chris, Beth, Becky, Martin, and Tim.

Throughout the years the Gunter ranks grew, adding Susan, the wife of Dougal (and who is deadly in a game of quarters), Cynthia, Kenn, and Eddie, and Lisanne With The Funky Name, the wife of J, and Craig, and Bret, and Kelley, and Amanda, the wife of Kenn, and Tammy. They spread their influence forth from the state of Georgia, into Alabama, New York, and New Mexico. And leaving the material plane, they began to make their presence known on the Net, so that the Way of Gunter could be spread to all.

Here ends the Book of Gunter.